Finding My Way Back to the Words

In hindsight, it seemed easy. It felt clear and right. I knew exactly the direction I wanted to go, how I wanted to share the thoughts within my head, and I envisioned what they’d look like on the blog and how they’d make others feel as they read.

But when I sat down to write, the words that were so perfectly curated and arranged in my thoughts, suddenly they were jumbled and incomplete.

Fear set in. I worried about my thoughts and feelings getting steamrolled by the internet judgment crew so I halted. I froze. My eyes staring at an empty screen, I didn’t know where to go next.

Months have gone by. Not a post written. Not a day missed that I didn’t think about writing. I’ve battled the frustration of lack of focus, self-discipline, courage, and let self-doubt put up a barrier between what I feel empowered to do and actually doing it.

And then I had this talk with myself, as I often do, and I’ve decided this is enough. I know I’m not alone in the journey I’m traveling. I’m learning to be more of me but also navigating mid-life speed bumps that feel more like an avalanche at times. I believe to my core that there is value in sharing, learning, and growing together. Even from a distance, we find ourselves in a common space where togetherness is important, even when our physical world feels lonely.

Through all of the personal growth work I’m doing daily, leaning into lessons and podcasts and journaling, I’ve decided this. I am equipped, able, and valuable. I can let go of the fears of judgement, perfection, and people pleasing. And I can just be me, unapologetically, even if a little unhinged at times.

Every day, especially while raising teens, I see the impact the interwebs have on people, our decisions, our tastes, desires, and especially our opinions. That makes me feel a little extra cringe, as I don’t want to be on the receiving end of some keyboard critic, but I also don’t want to be silenced because of that.

Finding the right balance is tricky, but I’m determined to find my groove. I have a lot of time with my thoughts, I’m grateful for that. I’ve learned so much about me. Things that I wish I knew sooner and was able to walk that path with someone else, if needed.

That time can be right now. Hindsight is weird that way, wishing we had done things differently, but it’s shortsightedness that lets us think we don’t have time to do it now.

It’s all about time, and timing. And maybe I was wishing for the timing to be right sooner. When really, waiting for the right doors to open was what I needed, even if those doors were in the way inside my own brain. Mental blocks are rough, I tell ya.

So, here I am. I’m taking tiny steps and letting go of expectations – especially the self-imposed ones. And I’m doing a little each day to bring this blog to life and blossom into something lovely.

As I am typing, we’re on the verge of spring weather, how fitting. The spring awakening from a cold and gray winter.

Maybe the timing is right, after all.

XOXO, Heidi