Sunseeking When Winter Won’t Let Go

I found myself laying on the living room floor today, basking in a patch of sunlight like it was something I might lose forever if I didn’t catch it in time, trying to soak up every bit of glowing warmth I could find. Of course, I’ve learned this from the cats, sunseeking is important at every possible moment. Or maybe it’s just that my mental health relies on it, for my mood, my energy, my mind.

It’s April.

It’s supposed to look and feel different by now. Brighter. Warmer. Less bulky clothing. But winter isn’t quite done with us, and if I’m being honest, it’s been weighing on me more than I want to admit. Because when it SHOULD be getting easier, it still feels really hard.

I don’t think we talk enough about how heavy winter can feel when it overstays its welcome. Not just the bummer mood from wishing signs of spring were here already, but the deeper down doldrums of seasonal depression.

Every fall, I gear up, take extra supplements, plan my reading, allow for excessive homebody-ing, and have learned to just go with the flow and know that it won’t last. And most of the time, I do ok. Other times, it’s like hitting a brick wall.

Today is that day.

A few days ago the winter snow was gone, we were in hoodies without coats, kids were playing outside in shorts and t-shirts, I even had the panels off the Jeep for a couple days. These are my favorite kind of moments that snuggle me up and make life feel full – kids outside, sunny days, the sounds and smells of fresh air.

And then in typical North Dakota April fashion, a foot of snow, taking us right back to winter. I had just gotten my hopes up for early spring and now it feels hard to smile. I know that sounds silly, it’s just snow, but it has such an effect on me, despite my trying, every year, to embrace the goodness of winter. The most I can muster is enjoying the slow down and the cozy inside my home. Most else feels dreadful for a time.

But as I lay here, stretched out with my eyes closed, the warm sun carrying me off to summertime and daydreams of the things I love and long for: reading outside on the deck, listening to the birds in the feeders, the yard butterflies, the smell of neighborhood grills, dinners outside, lounging in the pool letting the sun pink my skin and intensify the freckles, giggles and laughter of the brood of neighborhood kids, after dinner walks, baseball games, the top off the jeep with the wind in my hair, evening chats with James on the porch, and daydreaming how we wish those days would last forever.

This is what makes me smile. This is the life I love.

I know, winter is just a pause, just a small bit of time in the big picture. Which is important in so many ways, I get it. It just feels hard. It’s probably the most recurring complaint in my journal and the words that come out of my mouth.

Soon it will be summer. I’m excited for spring, too. If we could just get through the winter.

I’m not made for this. That’s for sure. I know there must be a lesson in resilience, or something, in here somewhere. I’m trying to be patient and let the seasons change and not rush time.

In the meantime, I’ll just soak up the sun and daydream some more. If you need me, this is where I’ll be.

xoxo,
Heidi